Death · Family · Future · grief

Don’t You Forget About Me

The anniversary of my father’s death is fast approaching, and I am burying it deep inside.  I am still so saddened by it all, and I should probably see a grief counselor, but I’m not going to.  I know I should take care of myself, but I don’t always know how to do it.

I miss him.  How tiny his eyes would get when he would smile.  His mustache.  How his lips would purse when he was really thoughtful about something.  I miss the sound of his voice- even his yelling.  There are so many tiny details that I wish I could remember, and I can look at him in pictures, but some things are fuzzy.  I can’t remember his exact height.  I can’t remember if he had two moles on his stomach above his belly button so that his torso looked surprised 😮 … or if I just made that up.

I’m not sure exactly what I meant to write here, but I don’t want to just forget it.  Or him.  How can I keep his memory alive when he isn’t here?  How can I continue to remember him without feeling the pain of losing him?  I wish I had just been able to see him that winter.  It is one of the biggest regrets that I have.

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The Deep Sadness

While meeting with one of my friends for dinner recently, she asked me if I was going through some deep sadness. She saw it in my eyes.

Yes, I am.

More than just being sad, but it’s like drowning in a vast sea. The waves keep washing over, and I don’t have a chance to even breathe. Anytime I have a slight moment where maybe a little sunshine comes through, there goes another wave, another current pulling me under to where I die a little more inside.

I wish I knew what it was that was causing all of this grief. I wish I could turn it off and not have to deal with it.