And no, I’m not talking about that song by Staind.
I have gone a lot longer without posting, but usually, November is the month that I amp up on writing. This November is a little different. I am not doing NaNoWriMo formally this year. I am opting to write with Rob on a project we’ve been talking about for years now. It’s very loosely based on our first year of marriage. There’s a lot of misunderstanding and love involved. And that’s all that I’m going to reveal for now.
At this moment, I feel full of hope for the future. Weird, given the global climate of the country, and the state of things. In spite of the trauma and despair that the world is going through, a lot of things that are personally happening have filled me with joy. Rob and I have been steadily getting rid of unnecessary things, I’m getting closer to feeling like heaven is my true home, and all this material nesting stuff that pottery barn has told me that I needed is really just crap. I’ve been really trying to weigh the value of the stuff I have. Asking myself, do I really need this? I am minimizing, while also storing up those treasures for heaven.
We’ve been living in 390 square feet of space for the past two years. We originally wanted to build a tiny house, but we moved into this efficiency apartment to see if we could live in a small space and still stand each other. It was a great move for us. Not sure if the tiny house thing is still going to happen because we’ve gotten real comfy with our situation. We have two cats and a dog, and moving is just hard on our critters. With the rise of property costs in Austin, we’ve been resting in the present, while also staying mindful of the future. If we do have to make another move, it will likely be in the home where we root and raise a family. Austin might be our home, but heaven… I’m keeping my eyes fixed on it. Not worrying about my current living situation because I am well taken care of at the moment.
I’ve been watching and listening to my Newsies soundtracks lately, and its brought back a resurgence of a group of fans known as the Newsies Mailing List. I’ve been looking back on some of my posts from 1998-present, and it’s chockfull of memories of youth. While some of the posts I made are cringe-worthy and full of awkward adolescent babble, other posts… they were from a version of myself that was full of life. I loved Seize the Day. It was my middle school anthem song- my fight song, as you will. I would burst into the song and was ready to take down giants.
Looking back on my past… it makes me feel so OLD and TIRED. Where is that girl who burst into song? Where is that girl on a mission? My exuberance for things seems to have gotten lost, and I am grasping to get back some of that life. I have been so bored and sluggish in a lot ways. My life feels like Belle in the Disney animated Beauty and the Beast- you know, the scene where she is out in the fields in her desire for the adventure in that great wide somewhere, and she picks up a dandelion seed plant, and she sings, “I want so much more than they’ve got planned!”
Being an adult is hard. I’ve lost friendships, gained friendships, had broken relationships that crushed me like a bug, went through some real life experiences that have tried to flatten me. I feel like I’m drowning in financial insecurities, yet I am embracing the joy of creating art that I love while feeling the sorrow of not being able to live off of it. I am trapped in a world where money equals power, and it sucks. I don’t know if I can carpe diem. But I’m not going to just tuck my tail between my legs and call it a day. Maybe I need a new anthem song. Maybe not Seize the Day or the Belle Reprise, but maybe a mixture of both.
There are past experiences that wake me in the night– negative memories that send adrenaline and anger coursing through my veins. I see the people that caused my pain and made me rage.
Where I come from, ignorance is limitless; mediocrity and indifference to the suffering of others is a standard way of living. How can I make them see if they are blind? I could not change them. I failed, and I was powerless. They keep doing what they do.
I have changed. I have forgiven them. I have forgiven myself. Next time, I will do better. Next time, I will be better. Next time, I will continue to use my words, my voice, my body and all of my being until I am heard.