I’ve been watching and listening to my Newsies soundtracks lately, and its brought back a resurgence of a group of fans known as the Newsies Mailing List. I’ve been looking back on some of my posts from 1998-present, and it’s chockfull of memories of youth. While some of the posts I made are cringe-worthy and full of awkward adolescent babble, other posts… they were from a version of myself that was full of life. I loved Seize the Day. It was my middle school anthem song- my fight song, as you will. I would burst into the song and was ready to take down giants.
Looking back on my past… it makes me feel so OLD and TIRED. Where is that girl who burst into song? Where is that girl on a mission? My exuberance for things seems to have gotten lost, and I am grasping to get back some of that life. I have been so bored and sluggish in a lot ways. My life feels like Belle in the Disney animated Beauty and the Beast- you know, the scene where she is out in the fields in her desire for the adventure in that great wide somewhere, and she picks up a dandelion seed plant, and she sings, “I want so much more than they’ve got planned!”
Being an adult is hard. I’ve lost friendships, gained friendships, had broken relationships that crushed me like a bug, went through some real life experiences that have tried to flatten me. I feel like I’m drowning in financial insecurities, yet I am embracing the joy of creating art that I love while feeling the sorrow of not being able to live off of it. I am trapped in a world where money equals power, and it sucks. I don’t know if I can carpe diem. But I’m not going to just tuck my tail between my legs and call it a day. Maybe I need a new anthem song. Maybe not Seize the Day or the Belle Reprise, but maybe a mixture of both.