The anniversary of my father’s death is fast approaching, and I am burying it deep inside. I am still so saddened by it all, and I should probably see a grief counselor, but I’m not going to. I know I should take care of myself, but I don’t always know how to do it.
I miss him. How tiny his eyes would get when he would smile. His mustache. How his lips would purse when he was really thoughtful about something. I miss the sound of his voice- even his yelling. There are so many tiny details that I wish I could remember, and I can look at him in pictures, but some things are fuzzy. I can’t remember his exact height. I can’t remember if he had two moles on his stomach above his belly button so that his torso looked surprised 😮 … or if I just made that up.
I’m not sure exactly what I meant to write here, but I don’t want to just forget it. Or him. How can I keep his memory alive when he isn’t here? How can I continue to remember him without feeling the pain of losing him? I wish I had just been able to see him that winter. It is one of the biggest regrets that I have.
I’ve got the blues-
the bad wife dead dad blues.
I’m over worked
It’s been almost two months
Since I last got laid.
I’m yelling at my husband
All day and all night
Everyday for the past four weeks
We’ve had a fight
I’ve got the blues-
The Bad Wife Dead Dad Blues
The holidays are over
And I’m feeling sad
I miss my family
Especially my dad
I keep on thinking
About the night he was shot down
I keep on drinking
In the booze will my sorrows drown
I got the blues-
The bad wife dead dad blues….
Erich Maria Remarque’s novel was forced on me by an English class when I was 14, and it was depressing as hell. The film which won Best Picture in the 3rd Academy Awards might be even more depressing. It follows Paul Baumer (played by Lew Ayres) through WWI as he changes from a school boy to a man who has seen the horrors of war- living in trenches, fighting, and trying not to be killed. It kinda makes me wanna sing, “War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely Nothing!”
This film is much easier to watch than its winning predecessors as the directing and acting are more realistic. And Lew Ayres’ boyish good looks are also easy on the eyes in the midst of explosions, like the one pictured above. Gross. The film quality and sound seems to have improved vastly as well.
Stay tuned for the next film: Cimarron
It’s been more than a year now, but the grief doesn’t just go away.
When my father died I knew my life would never be the same again. I didn’t know exactly how it would change me, but I felt the change all the same. Part of me was missing, gone, a piece of myself, a piece of my soul, and it wasn’t lost, it was just gone. Poof! Vanished, in a gun shot.
There are people in this world who are going to hurt you. Rip your family away from you without remorse, and you can scream and cry and get angry, but the world is still under the same evil spell that its been under since the beginning of time. There will always be bad people, and sometimes you will be helpless when they hurt you. It’s how you deal with pain that will make you or break you.
For a while, everything was foggy, but the clouds began to clear, and I was able to find the light again. It still gets cloudy, and sometimes the storm seems like it won’t end, but eventually, the sun comes out of hiding, and warms you up, and dries the rain.