Austin · Camping · Family · Food · Future · God · grief · home · Learn · live · Love · Self Discovery · Texas · Uncategorized · writing

Captain’s Log: A Hot Mess.

December 31, 2019. We are home owners. The family was seeing some awesome things happen, I’d just gotten a full time job, and it looked like things were going to be awesome. We celebrated New Year’s Eve and started January with bright eyes and bushy tails.

February 2020. It seemed that nothing was right. Family life was tiring- the kiddo’s disabilities made me feel like a failure as a mother. Mom-in-law had moved in and it wasn’t a good fit for her, so she moved out. The Husband was frustrated with MIL moving out. The new job, though I loved it, wasn’t exactly the dreamiest of dreams. I was doing my best, though it felt like I was putting out fires everywhere. My social life was suffering. Little did I know.

Friday, March 13, 2020. We were in lock-down. My job was furloughed, and over before it could even begin. It was deflating to find out that I received more money on Unemployment than working my full-time job. At first, I was freaked out by the isolation. Me, the hubby, the kid- all very extroverted. We were always out and about. Being at home, spending quality time with one another was really good for us. And we were saving more money by not going out all the time. Little did I know how much we would need it.

April-May 2020. I started using my free time, reading recipe books and watching YouTube videos on how to cook. I learned how to cook. I roasted lots of chickens. I even learned what spatch-cocking was. Before this time, the husband was responsible for the cooking. Then I took on the responsibility. And I cook very well now. It’s the clean up that’s now the struggle.

June-July-August 2020. Lots of virtual meet ups with friends and family. My Kiddo turned 2 Years Old! Lots of Zoom Birthday Celebrations. I was “officially” fired from my job two days before we were supposed to be brought back on. Grief. Relief. Lots of depression.

September-October-November-December 2020. I started a small pod. Wrangling toddlers. Birthday for the Hubby. 8 Year Anniversary. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas.

January-February 2021. Just terrible things happening in the world. Rays of hope: Biden & Harris are the new leaders for America. Texas gets a little snow. The kiddo plays in snow. Texas Blizzard aka SnowVid2021. More Quarantine. More Cooking Food.

March-April-May 2021. Weather changes. Beginning to burn out with teaching. CoVid scare in the pod. Me and the husband get tested and vaccinated as soon as we possibly could. J&J- one and done. Symptoms were headache, fever, and muscles soreness which lasted for a day and a half for me, and only a day for the husband. The site of the shot was sore for a full week for me, the husband didn’t notice it too much.

June-July 2021. Finally socializing again! Lots of Camping. Beach! So Many Birthday Parties! Kiddo turns 3 Years Old!

August 2021. Delta Variant shuts down plans. Another CoVid exposure. Depression. Anger. Grief. Frustration. Toddler Pod Ends. I am toast.

August 31, 2021. Things are awful, great, weird, tiring, full, and just a spaghetti jumble of feelings and thoughts. So I’m going to blog again to make sense of this hot mess. It may not stick because I just flit here and there, and we’re in a pandemic. September is coming. Let’s do this.

Family · Health · Self Discovery · Self Improvement · writing

Time to Start Writing Again

I will soon be another year older, and I am not trying to freak out here, but this past year and some change has been a very harrowing journey filled with health crises (mine and baby’s), financial burdens, a beautiful baby, and not enough time to blog about it.

I probably should have been writing about it.  I’m sure it would have made me feel a bit more sane.  Can’t change the past, must keep looking at the present and future.

SO.  Here I am.  Writing again.  Hopefully, this blog will make a come back.

Death · Family · grief · Love

Another One Bites the Dust…

Today is father’s day, and there is an emptiness inside that is so deep, you could build a pool, and swim in the sorrow of it.  I don’t know if it gets any easier or if you just get used to the sadness.  I miss him very much.  But this post is not about him.

My aunt passed away in May on Memorial Day, and I went back to my hometown to be with my family for an extended amount of time.  It was tough, but it was good to be with family.  To see them again, and to be reunited.  It’s a bit sad that there is so much distance between us, but when we are together, it’s quite nice.  There are cousins, and their children, and other relatives that I don’t ever see, and even though they are my blood relatives, I am so disconnected from them.  But being back with them again, well, I hope to reconnect.  At least send yearly Christmas cards or something.  We did grow up together, at least, a little bit.

Most of our parents, well, they didn’t really know us, or try to know us.  They were not our friends or our confidants.  They showed us tough love, and worked all the time to give us better opportunities than they had.

My aunt’s passing was the first funeral I’ve been to since my father’s death.  And it’s the first matron death on my mother’s side.  And it hurts.  We make such a big fuss over the death of our fathers and mothers, but what about siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins?  I don’t want to even think about it, but I know it will hurt.  Sometimes death can be expected, but other times, it comes as a shock.  My aunt’s health had been on the decline, and she seemed to go peacefully in her sleep.  But she was still young, and it is strange that a woman so fierce in life should be taken so soon.  I will miss her, and I will always remember her as a fighter, a risk taker, a go getter, loud, proud, stubborn, fearless, and beautiful.

Animals · Art · Austin · Camping · Family · Fitness · Friendship · Health · Literature · Love · Nature · Outdoors · poetry · Self Discovery · Self Improvement · Texas · Texas State Parks · Theatre · TX · Women · writing

Oh, a-Camping We Will Go…

During spring break, I spent a day with my friend Sarah.  We’d gone to breakfast, and decided to get out of town for the rest of the day, and we went to Pedernales Falls State Park, in Johnson City, TX.  It was my first time at a Texas State Park, but it won’t be my last.

IMG_8160IMG_8167I really needed to get out of town for a while and have some reflection in the great outdoors.

There were trees and deer, all kinds of plants and birds, and rivers and I felt like Henry David Thoreau:

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately.  I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! To put to wrought all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, discover I had not lived.

IMG_8158  IMG_8164

We had an adventure, crossing water, getting our feet punctured by the tiny rocks in the water, almost getting eaten by mountain lions, losing cell phone service and having little to no light, but we managed to make it back safely.  And since then, all I can think about is going camping.  So, I’m doing something about it.

IMG_8170  IMG_8169

I’m going to go camping. Tomorrow. It’s not going to be primitive camping, but it’ll be satisfying this call of the wild inside of me.  I’m going to hike, and swim, and eat some s’mores, have some weenies and burgers to roast, and spend time with my hubby and my dog.  I might write something new, play some new songs, and get a tan.  I’m not too far from technology, but I’m going to try to be somewhat electronic free.

Scheherazade

In other news, I am also going camping metaphorically.  You see, I’ll be participating in Camp NaNoWriMo, and I’ve got two cabin mates already.  I already have a project– a script of a play called Scheherazade.  It’s about a queer woman of Middle Eastern descent who must tell stories to save her life (and possibly the lives of others).  It deals with Islamophobia, refugees, and current political events.  It’s actually a collaboration between writers and actors. I’m not the only person writing it, all of the cast has been composing and devising for it.  Another writer and myself are forming the script from their writings and devising.  The play is set to go up in June… so finishing the script is going to be really important!  I’m so ready to get camping.  Happy Trails, and I’ll report back in April!

Art · Austin · Camping · Dance · Death · DIY · Family · Food · Friendship · Future · God · Health · Love · Music · Nature · Outdoors · Religion · Self Discovery · Self Improvement · Texas · TX · Women

33

Growing up, my family always had a big party for my sister and my birthdays.  Our birthdays are four days apart, and it was always easier to have a big party for the both of us, so I’ve grown accustomed to having big birthday parties.  I won’t lie, I’d love to have a big celebration, but I also have one big fear.

What if I throw a party and no one shows up?

I know, it sounds stupid, but it’s a legitimate worry that I have, so I usually try to do several events.

Here are thirty three ideas that I have for birthday events.  I’m not going to get to do all of them, but at least there’s a starting point.

  1. Go Camping
  2. Ice Cream Social
  3. Birthday Breakfast
  4. Birthday Lunch
  5. Birthday Dinner
  6. Tres Leches Cake Tasting
  7. Karaoke Room
  8. Picnic Party
  9. Swing Dancing
  10. Wine and Cheese Tasting
  11. Board Game Party
  12. Escape Room
  13. Make Art
  14. Make a Movie
  15. Pool Party
  16. Tea Party
  17. Mall Rats Scavenger Hunt
  18. City Scavenger Hunt
  19. Blazer Tag
  20. Food Crawl
  21. Build a Bear
  22. Lush Treatment
  23. Get a Massage
  24. Rock Climbing
  25. Rent Bikes and Ride
  26. Cocktail Crawl
  27. Musical Marathon
  28. Crazy Outfit Thrifting
  29. Cupcake Decorating
  30. Amusement Park
  31. Costume Party
  32. Day Trip
  33. Birthday Blessings/Prayers
Death · Family · Future · grief

Don’t You Forget About Me

The anniversary of my father’s death is fast approaching, and I am burying it deep inside.  I am still so saddened by it all, and I should probably see a grief counselor, but I’m not going to.  I know I should take care of myself, but I don’t always know how to do it.

I miss him.  How tiny his eyes would get when he would smile.  His mustache.  How his lips would purse when he was really thoughtful about something.  I miss the sound of his voice- even his yelling.  There are so many tiny details that I wish I could remember, and I can look at him in pictures, but some things are fuzzy.  I can’t remember his exact height.  I can’t remember if he had two moles on his stomach above his belly button so that his torso looked surprised 😮 … or if I just made that up.

I’m not sure exactly what I meant to write here, but I don’t want to just forget it.  Or him.  How can I keep his memory alive when he isn’t here?  How can I continue to remember him without feeling the pain of losing him?  I wish I had just been able to see him that winter.  It is one of the biggest regrets that I have.

Art · Conflict · Death · Family · Love · marriage · Music

Bad Wife Dead Dad Blues

I’ve got the blues-
the bad wife dead dad blues.

I’m over worked
I’m underpaid
It’s been almost two months
Since I last got laid.

I’m yelling at my husband
All day and all night
Everyday for the past four weeks
We’ve had a fight

I’ve got the blues-
The Bad Wife Dead Dad Blues

The holidays are over
And I’m feeling sad
I miss my family
Especially my dad

I keep on thinking
About the night he was shot down
I keep on drinking
In the booze will my sorrows drown

I got the blues-
The bad wife dead dad blues….

Austin · DIY · Family · Film · Future · God · Literature · Love · Money · Outdoors · Religion · Self Improvement

31-derful

Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and every year, I aspire to become a better version of my current self. I am in dire need of an upgrade, as is my blog. So in honor of this new year of life, I have a list of thrity one-derful (that’s oh-nedder-full) things I want to accomplish by next April.

1. Grow my relationship with God through prayer, Bible study, and worship
2. Run a 10K – this is already in the works, I’m running one April 12th
3. Complete another 365 picture challenge
4. Make and sell some bath bombs, cupcakes, and costumes
5. Write a ten minute play
6. Finish reading the complete works of Jane Austen
7. Get to the 1960’s in my Oscar Winning Movie Watching
8. Write a song on the Ukulele
9. Start a Vlog with my hubby Rob
10. Build a loft for our bed
11. Finish our Wedding Album
12. Find a job that I love
13. Run a 1/2 Marathon
14. Get back into Yoga once a week
15. Get all toxins out of my home and change to homeopathic cleaners
16. Volunteer with food banks or homeless ministries
17. Keep mentoring and focusing on youth and kids
18. Send more letters and gifts to friends and family to let them know I love them
19. Finish Baby Steps 1 & 2 of Dave Ramsey FPU.
20. Make it a ritual to Skype with my family every Sunday
21. Get a new stamp in my passport
22. Host a Wine and Cheese Party
23. Go swimming at Barton Springs
24. Get BBQ at Franklin’s
25. Go hiking at least once a month
26. Get back into Bouldering and Rock Climbing
27. Volunteer at a Horse Ranch and Ride
28. Reread and Own Madeleine L’engle’s Wrinkle in Time Series
29. Start and Finish Madeleine L’engle’s Meet The Austin Series
30. Get a massage for each season, spring, summer, winter, and fall
31. Begin to train for a marathon