I’ve been watching and listening to my Newsies soundtracks lately, and its brought back a resurgence of a group of fans known as the Newsies Mailing List. I’ve been looking back on some of my posts from 1998-present, and it’s chockfull of memories of youth. While some of the posts I made are cringe-worthy and full of awkward adolescent babble, other posts… they were from a version of myself that was full of life. I loved Seize the Day. It was my middle school anthem song- my fight song, as you will. I would burst into the song and was ready to take down giants.
Looking back on my past… it makes me feel so OLD and TIRED. Where is that girl who burst into song? Where is that girl on a mission? My exuberance for things seems to have gotten lost, and I am grasping to get back some of that life. I have been so bored and sluggish in a lot ways. My life feels like Belle in the Disney animated Beauty and the Beast- you know, the scene where she is out in the fields in her desire for the adventure in that great wide somewhere, and she picks up a dandelion seed plant, and she sings, “I want so much more than they’ve got planned!”
Being an adult is hard. I’ve lost friendships, gained friendships, had broken relationships that crushed me like a bug, went through some real life experiences that have tried to flatten me. I feel like I’m drowning in financial insecurities, yet I am embracing the joy of creating art that I love while feeling the sorrow of not being able to live off of it. I am trapped in a world where money equals power, and it sucks. I don’t know if I can carpe diem. But I’m not going to just tuck my tail between my legs and call it a day. Maybe I need a new anthem song. Maybe not Seize the Day or the Belle Reprise, but maybe a mixture of both.
You look me up and down
SIZE me up.
I wear anywhere between 6 to 10 in jeans
if that’s what you’re wondering
THIS IS WHY WOMEN HATE MEN
You tell me not to eat those kinds of foods
Say that you feel guilty for letting me eat this way
Or that way
I can’t even eat a bag of chips without feeling guilty
About what I eat
About how I look
THIS IS WHY WOMEN HATE MEN
This is my body
I can exercise if I want to
This is my life
and I can lie down
Or sit on a couch and watch Netflix all day
IF I WANT TO
DO NOT TELL ME
what to eat
what to wear
how to dress
how to do my hair
what my body should or shouldn’t look like
THIS IS WHY WOMEN HATE MEN
My heart aches
and all I can do is eat pb&j on white bread
My belly aches
and all I can do is look up hiking trails on the internet
My legs ache
and all I can do is watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix
My head aches,
and all I can do is check my pulse
I’ve got the blues-
the bad wife dead dad blues.
I’m over worked
It’s been almost two months
Since I last got laid.
I’m yelling at my husband
All day and all night
Everyday for the past four weeks
We’ve had a fight
I’ve got the blues-
The Bad Wife Dead Dad Blues
The holidays are over
And I’m feeling sad
I miss my family
Especially my dad
I keep on thinking
About the night he was shot down
I keep on drinking
In the booze will my sorrows drown
I got the blues-
The bad wife dead dad blues….
There are past experiences that wake me in the night– negative memories that send adrenaline and anger coursing through my veins. I see the people that caused my pain and made me rage.
Where I come from, ignorance is limitless; mediocrity and indifference to the suffering of others is a standard way of living. How can I make them see if they are blind? I could not change them. I failed, and I was powerless. They keep doing what they do.
I have changed. I have forgiven them. I have forgiven myself. Next time, I will do better. Next time, I will be better. Next time, I will continue to use my words, my voice, my body and all of my being until I am heard.
In my last counseling session, I uncovered a lot of things I’d buried down, but I’m only going to focus on one of those things right now.
I often punish myself because I feel that I don’t deserve awesomeness.
To make things brief, I have an older sister who is great and I love her very much. However, throughout my entire childhood, I was compared to my older sister, and I never felt good enough. Somehow or other, my sister was labeled “the good one” and guess which label I got stuck with? “The Bad One” was what all the Korean ahjimahs (older ladies) thought of me as. Also, I was a tomboy which is the worst thing that a young Korean girl can ever become. In addition, I was an Asian in the south– not white, not black, and not altogether Korean either. I had a lot of anger issues, and to make matters worse, I was teased throughout elementary, middle, and parts of high school for some dumb reason or other. So I grew up with this inferiority complex, and I grew up feeling like all the bad things that happened to me were deserved because I wasn’t good enough.
I often become self deprecating and self destructive. I’m easily inclined to hate myself, hate the world, hate everyone, and hate everything.
But I deserve better, and I can do better than that. I am good enough. I am smart enough. And gosh darnit, people like me.
So everything is changing, and it’s all kinda awesome. Change can be a little scary at times, and I’ve still been battling my various demons.
Some of the resolutions I made in April have been going well, others have not. I’m good at making goals, but not as good at following through with all of them.
A few things that I have been proactive with are: going to counseling for my emotional issues, creating new opportunities for myself, pursuing spiritual interests, and learning more about social and political issues.
One of the best things that has happened is that I auditioned for an equity theater and I can proudly say that I am in the cast of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. It’s really validating after my experience with community theater and white-washed versions of Miss Saigon.
Though the town theater experience was troubling to me at first, it’s made me a much stronger and intelligent person. If they hadn’t decided to be ignorant and bigoted, I probably wouldn’t have come across the opportunity for Bloody Bloody. Because of the door opening with Bloody Bloody, I’m finally going to be able submit an EMC application.
Also, the situation made me think a lot more about my identity as an Asian American. I’m extremely westernized, but I have such a rich eastern heritage, and I don’t want to discount it. I’m still finding that balance.
My intent is not to start a fight, but I am a person who struggles with letting my emotions overwhelm me and cause me to act irrationally. I have a very bad temper, and I got problems all over the place. These past three months of marriage have been a wonderful battle for peace. Two people with two view points and different backgrounds, habits, worldviews, living together in matrimony isn’t the easiest of things to do. Especially with two strong willed people such as myself and my husband.
Before now, I went about, living for myself, not having to answer to anyone else, doing my own thing, living however I wanted to live. It’s so much different. I can’t just live for myself and continue on in a selfish manner. I can’t just do things without communicating. I can’t be selfish.
It’s hard work, and I am probably going to have to get a therapist or someone to help me through theophostics to really tackle some of the issues and emotions that I don’t know how to control.