In my last counseling session, I uncovered a lot of things I’d buried down, but I’m only going to focus on one of those things right now.
I often punish myself because I feel that I don’t deserve awesomeness.
To make things brief, I have an older sister who is great and I love her very much. However, throughout my entire childhood, I was compared to my older sister, and I never felt good enough. Somehow or other, my sister was labeled “the good one” and guess which label I got stuck with? “The Bad One” was what all the Korean ahjimahs (older ladies) thought of me as. Also, I was a tomboy which is the worst thing that a young Korean girl can ever become. In addition, I was an Asian in the south– not white, not black, and not altogether Korean either. I had a lot of anger issues, and to make matters worse, I was teased throughout elementary, middle, and parts of high school for some dumb reason or other. So I grew up with this inferiority complex, and I grew up feeling like all the bad things that happened to me were deserved because I wasn’t good enough.
I often become self deprecating and self destructive. I’m easily inclined to hate myself, hate the world, hate everyone, and hate everything.
But I deserve better, and I can do better than that. I am good enough. I am smart enough. And gosh darnit, people like me.