I Can Do Better Than That

In my last counseling session, I uncovered a lot of things I’d buried down, but I’m only going to focus on one of those things right now.
I often punish myself because I feel that I don’t deserve awesomeness.

To make things brief, I have an older sister who is great and I love her very much.  However, throughout my entire childhood, I was compared to my older sister, and I never felt good enough.  Somehow or other, my sister was labeled “the good one” and guess which label I got stuck with?  “The Bad One” was what all the Korean ahjimahs (older ladies) thought of me as.  Also, I was a tomboy which is the worst thing that a young Korean girl can ever become.  In addition, I was an Asian in the south– not white, not black, and not altogether Korean either.  I had a lot of anger issues, and to make matters worse, I was teased throughout elementary, middle, and parts of high school for some dumb reason or other.  So I grew up with this inferiority complex, and I grew up feeling like all the bad things that happened to me were deserved because I wasn’t good enough.

I often become self deprecating and self destructive.  I’m easily inclined to hate myself, hate the world, hate everyone, and hate everything.

But I deserve better, and I can do better than that.  I am good enough.  I am smart enough.  And gosh darnit, people like me.